I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
