Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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