You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
