Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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