Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
