mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
