i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
