My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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