Plan B is the new Plan A
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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