then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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