Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
