I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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