girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
