You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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