I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
