You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i can't believe i had my finger in that
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
