The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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