her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
