I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
