Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
