I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
