we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We are all done wearing pants today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
