the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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