I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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