if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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