a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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