I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
