I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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