If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
