sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Drunk is not a location!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
