You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I need water and some morals
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
