you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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