I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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