Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
