I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
