It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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