So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
