I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
