I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
