why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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