Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
