at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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