She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
