just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
