i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
