I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
