So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm just crazy horny about you
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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