He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
