In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
