You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oh god it's open bar.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
