It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
